In Love with Arrange Marriage

So what’s the difference between arrange marriage and forced marriage.  Some people tend to take both the terms synonymous, however, truth is that they both are different.

Arrange marriage is the term used when the girl and boy’s first meeting is arranged by a third party. Often this third party is one of the family or extended family members. In contrast, in forced marriages, you are not given a choice. You have no right to ask question. You have no say in it. Therefore, an arrange marriage is not a forced marriage. Today’s youth prefer this arrangement of ‘Selection by parents’.

Trends in today’s youth

This century which has seen a boom of social media, the times when we have Maangu, Facebook, twitter, Snapchat and many more channels to communicate. Older generation thinks that today’s youth is too corrupted by this social evil and now, they no longer are interested in age-old customs. In fact, today’s youth is trying to make an ecstatic amalgamation of traditional customs with a modern twist. They do go to clubs at night and they also go to temples on Mondays and Fridays. Even when it comes to marriage, today’s generation loves to get settled through arrange marriage system, obviously with their consent. These days they want to be an active participant in the search process, often leading the search themselves and seek the consent to parents once they think that they need to more forward.

Youngsters in love with arrange marriage:  A survey conducted by IPSOS in ten cities, around 1000 young people aged in the group of 18-35 still prefer an arrange marriage over any other system. 75 % of youth prefer the system of arrange marriage. Around 96% people residing in Northern and 77% people residing in Southern states want to choose life partners through the traditional way where parent’s involvement is crucial for them. Even when they are free to find their partners themselves, still their preference about the right partner includes a major ‘yes’ from their parents.

Reasons for inclination towards arrange set-up

Competition has taken a toll on everyone and this generation understands the importance of career much better than their predecessors. Several people spend more time on career. By the time these youths are convinced that they need to get married in life, very few singles are around. Secondly, this generation has seen their parents and relatives happily married in arrange marriage set up so they also prefer to settle by this process. The concept of nuclear families has own issues and this generation wants to have best of both world, so arrange marriage gets the best of parental support and advice with ‘guarantee’ for life.

Marriage is also an important phase of life like career and individual’s desire. An alliance should be sealed by considering the understanding level between two people – their ideologies on important aspects of life like education, finances etc. Nothing should be blindly followed and there is no shortcut for happiness. One has to work hard to maintain a beautiful relationship. Whether it is love or arrange, don’t forget to communicate your thoughts freely without glitches and hidden meaning.

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Should I go for arranged marriage or choose someone on my own?

I have conflicting thoughts in mind  whether I should say ‘yes’ for arrange marriage or I should seek a partner by myself. My mind has turned into a battlefield where relatives are supplying the ammunition to my parents and they are launching a missile to get me married and settled. For them, life without marriage has no value. It is a matter of their self respect. Sometimes I do wonder whether the person’s deeds, good will, helping nature makes him or her respectable or the marriage of their children makes the foundation of respect in the society.

So, what happens to those parents when they come to know that their kids need a divorce from their ‘married-hell’ life? Do they suffer badly in terms of respect? Whether they should stay quite even knowing that their children are suffering in that bond just because ‘respect’ will ruin. In India many parents do this and end results are suicides and murders.

Often, after you cross the marriageable age, your parents become your worst enemy. In order to get you married, they follow the tips and tricks of blackmailing to threats of suicides and depression. They use each and every tool to screw up your happiness because they think they are doing it for your happiness, your good life and everything that makes you happy.

Let me share some personal experience:

After my friend‘s brother reached the age of 30, his family was worried and the he was also showing signs of desperation as everyone around him was getting married.  His friends and classmates had not only gotten married, they had also started to have kids. And he was standing alone and feeling miserable among the other couples. So his family found an educated girl. However, they preferred the educated girl to stay at home. This resulted in conflicts from the first day, however, both the parties wanted to get rid of the responsibility. Within three months they filed for divorce. Now they are separated and the guy’s family is searching for a new bride.

In this case, the family of the boy is just a simple middle-class family and the guy is workaholic. Any homely simple sweet girl could manage to stay in the family. Remember we have plenty of them. However, if you decide to kill someone’s ambitions or wants to change them, a disaster is inevitable.

In another case, a girl approaching 28 got married to the guy she didn’t like. She said ‘yes’ only because he was earning in hundreds of thousands and had properties in the metro city. She wasn’t really forced but her parents asked what is lacking in the guy apart from looks and the girl didn’t have anything to say. The problem arose from in-laws side. The girl was treated like an alien at her new place; arguments and tensions became more common. The girl’s family told her to adjust and adjust. She did and now things were either sorted or compromised. The guy and girl both are happy together. The rifts are due to the guy’s extended family side where everyone has an opinion on adjustment. After two years of marriage, the new issue was ‘kid’. The girl wanted a child so that she could focus only on the new member and get free from tensions. Strange isn’t it?

Even if we get married there any guarantee of success. We feel that we don’t even know ourselves that well then how could we even understand a stranger in few meetings or no meetings at all and decide about spending whole life together. What if we select someone on our own? We all have bitter experience among our friends or ex that you can’t even trust a person even after years. This makes even self-selection seem like a bad idea.

In the end whether we should say ‘I DO OR I DON’T’ is still a perplex situation. Questions are still unanswered how, why, when, where; may be time will only tell.

– By Preeti Rawat

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